Love on a Tennis Court

It wasn't long ago when I first set foot and fell in love. It was a long affair that I had, and am in fact still having, but I do not wish to give it such a pinching name, for what I feel for him is only the truest and purest of love that one can feel. For a long time he kept me waiting for an answer, and in the middle I had almost given up hope, but finally he told me how he felt. It felt like a reawakening from the dead to me, it gave me so much joy to hear him say it. Yes, indeed my love for tennis is paying off...

When first my father tried to teach me how to play, I was too young to feel the passion for the sport, that I now feel for it. At that point of time I hardly played sports, and in fact was too lazy to take notice of them. I just assumed I was no good at sports, and went on with living my life. Later that year we started exercising, running, and playing sports on a daily basis, and I realized that I had more of a knack for it than I thought. Still I never could give tennis a chance as it wasn't taught to us in school, it requiring too many courts for the number of students in a class.

It was only in my second year of college that I could give the sport another chance. One of my good friends was getting some tennis rackets with his friends, so he decided to introduced me to this sport. Right from the first time I tried it, I fell in love. I enjoyed it more than playing basketball, and my friend and I often discussed how it was one of the most amazing sports we ever tried out. Sadly I was a slow learner, and to make matters worse I got an injury (not from tennis) because of which I had to stop playing. In the meanwhile my friend got better at it, and when I was well enough to play again, I was too far behind.

I finally decided to give up this sport I loved so much, only because I had no one to play with. The enthusiasm that my friends had about it slowly died out too. I did try to pester my friend to play again, but too much related to studies and placements were going on in our lives to really take out the time to play again. I really missed playing.

After placements, we did start playing again, and I did improve over the weeks we played. I didn't make as much progress as the other guys made, even though some of them were newer to the sport than I was. I was in that phase where I had to play for a good 20 to 25 minutes before I'd start playing properly, to get used to the racket, to get used to hitting the ball right. Sometimes that got me down, because I wanted to really learn how to play decent tennis, at least enough to play with guys.

Then it happened, the day that changed my life, well at least that part pertaining to tennis. In our annual sports fest, I had to play tennis singles and mixed doubles. I did dread the matches, considering the fact that I wasn't nearly good enough to play a competitive game. The first match I played was a mixed doubles match, in which I played so poorly that the girl on the other side started making fun of me (though she hadn't played any tennis previously, and was at least twenty times worse). The reason for my poor show was the fact that upto that point of time I needed to practice for at least fifteen to twenty minutes before I got a hang of the racket and got into the real mood to play. That day I happen to have just woken up and my partner refused to practice, being much too sleepy himself. Lucky for us, we won that match.

Later I practiced with the wall while waiting for my single's opponent to show up. Thus I got a hang of the racket, and by the time she came, I was playing much better. Now my opponent was real good, so I didn't beat her, but in that game I learned how to serve properly, and learned how to hit my shots better. This wasn't like the ususal learning I did in all my previous attempts at learning how to play, for this time it stuck. The next doubles match, I played much better, my serves went in, and I hardly missed a shot, but sadly our opponent was too good to beat. We did have a very close match though, which went onto seven games. So at least at the end of it I was satisfied with the turnout. We did win a silver medal for mixed doubles tennis. Tennis had finally accepted me back.

After that when I went to play tennis with the guys, I didn't need that first twenty minutes to warm up to my racket and get my game right, but it automatically came to me from the first ball I hit. While playing, we'd always play doubles, so on one day, I played four matches one after another (having different partners in each game) and it felt real good because I could hit some pretty good shots.

I still have a lot of scope for improvement, and I will definitely work on this game I've fallen in love with. There are two things I want to learn before I die, one is how to play tennis, and the other is how to play the guitar. At least I'm on my way to achieveing one of my dreams.

I have Committed a Crime

"You have committed a crime." he said, without realizing the hypocrisy in his accusation.

Yes, indeed I have committed a crime, if you consider freedom of thought a crime. You say I have no morality, that someday I'll pay for my sins. Who are you to decide that my beliefs , my actions, are a sin? If I really wanted, I could say the exact same to you, and my arguments would even be more valid than yours, yet still to the world I'll always be wrong. I may not be an average person like everyone around me, no I'm very different, I don't believe in going with the flow, because I know that the flow itself is where the problem lies.

Without doing anything I have become the enemy of the times, I have become that which is given as an example to children to bring fear into their hearts. They say that I am the devil in disguise, out to corrupt the minds of those around me. I am the darkness that makes the night black, the storm that destroys millions of lives, the evil in every heart. What have I done? I have done no more than to actually think.

Rationality is a gift given to few, a virtue to me, but a vice to most. I am a rational being. Is it a sin to be a rational being? Is it a sin to believe in things only after thinking them through? Is i a sin to depart from the societal norms provided I'm not physically or mentally hurting anyone? Is it really a sin only to have a belief, or in my case an absence of one?

The world is burning, this country is burning, why are we letting it? There is no valid reason for taking someone's life, but war is a massacre of thousands, even millions, and there's no law to protect these people who are burning in it. All this bloodshed for an irrational motive, maybe more than one, but each irrational in it's own way.

Yet still you expect me to believe in what you believe in and sell my principles? You still say that I'm the one at fault? You tell me that I should be ashamed of myself, that you're disappointed in me. I don't want to be a martyr, I don't want to be a saint, I only want to live my life, I want everyone to be able to live their lives because to me life is the greatest gift.

You know what I really am? I am the light that gives out warmth, I am the willpower that drives one to learn, I am the earth that nurtures, I am the water that purifies, I am the love that brings people together, I am the wind that touches every soul with life, I am the rational being. I love to play with fire, but you love to burn the world that gave us fire. I admit I have some faults, but you magnify my virtues into crimes.

Yes I am an Atheist and I don't believe in your God. To me there is no God, but there is something much better - the earth and everything in it. If you cannot handle that, then at least don't try to take it away from me, for I have the courage to handle the truth, and I'm proud of it. I have the capabilities to think, to judge true from false, to not get influenced by your irrational ways. Don't force upon me your beliefs for to me my absence of beliefs is the real virtue.

Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing bad things, but for good people to do bad things, it takes religion.
~ Steven Weinberg, Nobel Laureate in physics

Failure

Do you ever wake up thinking you're the biggest failure in life? Do you ever look back and realize how there's not one thing you can actually do that you're proud of? Do you ever wake up and think of yourself as an ugly spot on the whole of humankind? The best part, do people constantly tell you how you're a failure and not good enough for anything and anyone? Have you ever been told you can't even be called an underachiever because at least an underachiever has the potential to do well but just don't work to do well? The worst part of all this is that you had been given all the opportunities in the world to do better, but still you landed up becoming a loser.

Welcome to the cruel world.

I guess I just never saw that I was that bad in the past. I always thought I was alright. I believed I had the right ideas, that I was at least on the smarter side. I thought I was a pretty decent writer and poet, though I guess now that people have pointed out how much my stuff sucks, I can't really say that anymore. I considered myself sporty, though I guess I'm not that either as I have realized I'm no good in that. Then there's so much I just wish I had done in my life that I didn't do, and now I feel so awful for not having done them. At least if I would've done them, I could've been able to say I'm good at something, if things turned out well at least.

I guess the biggest mistake I made was thinking I was alright in the first place. So after three years it just hurts to be reminded of how most of my life was a lie, how I was always a loser and never realized it. And what do I have to say about this? I'm tired.

How I Know the World is Going to the Dogs...or Worse

A lot of things have happened lately, or I have gotten to know about, that makes me stop and wonder what is wrong with people? It's actually sad that the future of this country, heck this whole world, lies in the hands of some of the people I've come across in the last three years. (Do note that I'm not saying I'm a good person and everyone else is bad, I know what kind of a person I am, and I'm not proud of it, but at least I do have that basic sense of humanity.)

I know this girl who was very good friends with a couple of other girls, and one day she just told them that she cannot be friends with them because they don't study well enough and that she cannot just waste away her future for people like that. I never knew that grades were a criteria on the basis of which one became friends with someone, and if this is a new trend, I'm not going to be a part of it because I think it's very wrong to judge people in such a manner when making friends. It's almost like saying you're making friends to use them and nothing more. (Again I do say I'm no saint, I've had my share of prejudices against certain people, but I have realized that you should never judge anyone without getting to know them first, and I have learned from it as well.)

This is an issue I have no right to comment about, but still will, because it actually scares me sometimes. The other day I saw some guy advertising "Rape Porn Downloaded" on DC++ (college LAN). I have no issues with what guys do, it's their life, if that's what they like to do, then so be it. I just cannot swallow the fact that some guys can watch a girl get raped and not feel sympathy for the girl and disgust for the people who are doing it. The guys who watch stuff like this are the ones that will go out into the real world with good jobs, find themselves a nice girl, and settle down with her. It may not even affect their lives in any way, but if people can watch a girl get raped and enjoy it then I'm sorry but I can never think of them as good no matter how educated they are, no matter how smart they are.

Remember that story about the goose that would lay one golden egg everyday, and how the greedy man who owned the egg killed the goose and cut open its stomach thinking he'd find many golden eggs? I've seen it happen in real life, though not out of greed, maybe jealousy, maybe pure fun? I won't go into details here though for at least with respect to my class it's understood.

I made the mistake of thinking that everyone one will be as good as my friends back in school and listen to you when you're sad and really be there for you in the middle of a crisis. I made the mistake of thinking that I could do that with people here, and I got nothing in return. People don't even take the time out to listen to someone who is distressed. When I came home and I met one of my school friends, I realized how much she was there for me when I needed to just talk. She just listened to what I had to say, and that's all I wanted from people around me in college. I was seriously a fool to think everyone cares, because frankly speaking very few do.

The worst is an incident I cannot directly talk about, but I'll tell you it's a very serious incident. Fine whatever happened couldn't be avoided, but just know this much, the girl who was at the center of this incident will be haunted by it for the rest of her life. Her best friend knew about what was happening, yet still didn't tell anyone about it. When it did come out, this best friend betrayed her, while two girls who had fought with this girl a couple of years ago were the ones who stood up for her and did something about it. When they asked for help, no one got up to help, everyone just laughed about it and left. When anyone is in trouble, you're supposed to help them out, not crack jokes about it, not leave them to deal with it on their own, especially if in desperation they've even asked for help. I'm convinced that even if someone lies dying in our college, no one would get up to help them, not one soul.

People don't know how to mind their own business, they have all the time in the world to sit and gossip and say bad things about others. People have all the time to sit and notice how a girl and a guy are sitting in the canteen (best part is they are a couple), they have all the time to make up stories about how a girl and a guy who study together are committed (they're just study partners), they have all the time in the world to talk nonsense about the rest of the world (they should take a look in the mirror), but when they are supposed to mind someone else's business, they aren't around. When someone needs help then people get up and leave, the same people who would show up first in someone's room to hear the latest news. Why do people have this kind of attitude? Ask these people for advice and all they'll say is they cannot help you. Why?

It's like people do not have any humanity left in them, they have no feelings for what happens around them. You can't even trust anyone enough to cry on their shoulders because even if with great difficulty they listen today, tomorrow they'll sit and laugh at all that you said. Everyone's become so apathetic, and all for what? What was the point of getting an education if you can't even help someone in need? What was the point of working hard for four long years if you can't even give advice to a friend in need? Then one of my friends pointed out to me that it's not education that makes a person good, it's character. People who don't even know how to read may be a person a million times better than someone who has two to three degrees. By educating someone you cannot give him or her a good heart, for a heart is something that comes from within.

The world is going to the dogs? It makes me laugh because even a dog is loyal and faithful, even a dog protects. The world is going to something a lot worse...

New Developments in Everyday Life

It's a Saturday morning, and I'm in bed till nine 'o clock A.M., only to wake up feeling very lethargic and bored. I had fallen asleep early the night before, but somehow it had no effect in removing my morning laziness. Then I eat breakfast, talk or try to study, but eventually fall asleep by around twelve noon, only to wake up at around four 'o clock P.M. and find out the whole day has been wasted away and I haven't done one thing of any use...

This happened to be my usual schedule (only after getting placed), until about a week and a half ago, when I realized that I had to start doing something otherwise I'll only land up wasting my whole year away just to regret it later. Not only that, but all the free time I had only messed with my head and gave me a million negative things to think about and keep me depressed all day long, even for days at a stretch!

It started as an inspiration to once again play basketball at the IIT Kanpur sports fest, like we did back in first year (not that I actually got the chance to play, sadly). So a couple of my friends and I started making plans to talk to Verma Sir about going, and the next day we showed up at the court to practice. As was deemed to happen, we did not get permission to go, but rather than feeling dejected and giving up on the idea, we continued going every morning to practice. A few of my other friends also joined in to learn how to play.

It does not end there though, for we also felt it was high time we visited the gym on a regular basis. Sadly girl's in the past would talk to sir about going to the gym, but would only show up for a week or a few days, and then stop going. Due to this, it took a lot of convincing to get sir to give us a half an hour slot for the gym, but at least we got one, and that's what counts. It's really tiring, but it's good exercise, and I feel like I'm keeping myself fit.

Along with that, in the evenings I'm also learning how to play tennis. I never get to play long, but I can feel the difference in the way I hit shots now. I've improved a lot compared to my previous attempts at learning how to play, and it's a really good feeling. I still have a lot of scope for improvement, but when learning something new, one cannot become perfect at it overnight, right? Tennis is one sport I've always wanted to learn, for I think it defines beauty in every way. There's nothing like the feeling you get when you hit the ball with that racket, even if you didn't hit it right.

I've also started taking a little more interest in preparing for CAT, not much more, but some improvement is better than none. I am yet to get over my mental block against quantitative aptitude, and improve my speed at calculating and of thought processing.

By the end of the day, I do feel really tired, but not in that lethargic way that I used to earlier. I feel tired in a good way, the kind of feeling you get when you know you've achieved something that day, even if it's not much. Now I understand the importance of keeping oneself occupied rather than just lazying around and wasting the whole day away. At the end of it, you can't say you didn't do anything, because you know that you've achieved something, no matter how small it may be. Besides, it's really fun playing sports, exercising, and even preparing for CAT. For me, the best thing about all this is the fact that now I don't have the time to sit and get depressed over people around me, or over incidences, or over anything for that matter of fact. The best way to drown out your sorrows is to keep yourself occupied, may it be in work or in play. I guess it does leave you feeling happier, in more ways than one. :)

Friends Forever?

It's been a long time since I wrote, and my only excuse is placement fever and post-placement writer's block.

Hoping that at least this one last year would be trouble free has proved to be disastrous. Yet it doesn't bother me much, as at the end of it all, the people who I care about and who should matter to me aren't the ones I have any complains against. I know one thing for sure, that when I pass out, I'll at least know who my true friends are, and it's real good to know that. One true friend is worth more than a million fake ones. I really wish people around me would realize that as well.

College is supposed to be the best years of one's lives, and sadly I cannot say that because I have been through a lot. People say that the friends you make in college will be your friends for life, and it took me three years to realize who can become my friends for life and who cannot. Friendship is not to be taken lightly, but most people around me do take it lightly. Yet I don't blame them, for at some point in our lives, we all take friendship for granted.

I had a friend in school, and I guess after I joined college I neglected her. I never meant to, for she doesn't know it but she still means a lot to me and always will, no matter what happened between us, but somewhere something went wrong and now we don't talk anymore. Misunderstandings happen, and if not fixed at the right time, they become things you learn to regret for the rest of your lives.

What college taught me about friendship is never to take it for granted and to learn to cherish your friends for life. True friendship comes rarely and in the strangest forms, at the strangest times. If you let these friends slip away, it'll just leave an emptiness that will never go away, provided you realize your mistake. The worst part is that most people don't realize their mistakes, or realize them too late.

In the future, I'll do my best to make an effort to never take anyone for granted, because it's a really bad feeling, and I know how it feels. College life has taught me a lot...

Tragedy

There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it. -George Bernard Shaw

Do you ever get that rush when you're doing something you love to do, and you know right then that you'd gladly die without any regrets, doing what you love at that precise moment? Or if you achieve something by yourself, and know that in a way it's made you complete? They always say, life's not about what you do, but who you are, but in some way, doesn't what you do make you who you are, with all the right and wrong reasons taken into account?

It's a really scary thought, lying there on your deathbed, and having more regrets to think about than things you're proud of. I wish I had spent more time with my family, I wish I had spent more time doing what I really love to do, I wish I had been more honest, I wish I had been a better friend, I wish I hadn't messed things up, I wish I hadn't walked away, I wish I had taken the chance, I wish, I wish, I wish...but the ache never goes away.

Every time I hear about someone who chased after their dreams, like joined a band, or went on to play some sport professionally, or who gave up their life to become a writer or teacher, or fought for love, I feel really happy for them. Sure, not everyone makes it to the top, most don't even get close, but they can't lie there on their deathbed wishing they had taken the jump.

In today's world, most people care about money, and less about doing something they love to do, or even discovering what they love to do. Most people die not knowing what they love to do, and it's really sad. I guess at a practical level, it's a necessity to give up certain things in your life, playing it safe, it's a part of natural selection. It makes me sad nonetheless, because giving it up is like cutting a part of yourself and discarding it. Is living through life without that part of you really worth it?

Everyone dreams, and over time, dreams change with circumstances. As a student in high school, you aspire to be the guitarist in a famous rock band, as parent you dream of the world being a better place so you can raise your kids in peace, and as a businessman you dream of starting up a business that'll really go places. And throughout life, everyone dreams of true love, whether it may just be chemicals in the brain, or something real, no one wants to die alone. Those who get unconditional true love may be the luckiest of them all.

I say, maybe with material things, you can call it a tragedy to gain your heart's desire, but if it's much more than that, then is it really a tragedy? And so what if it is? I say, give me tragedies, for what is life without them? After all, the fact that you tried is what really counts, right? Not trying is a tragedy worse than that of success or failure.

It's Called Poverty My Friend...

When taking a walk or driving through the city, often I silently and assiduously observe my surroundings. It gives me an odd pleasure, and sometimes I see things that no one else would notice, and it makes me happy that I get the chance to experience the world around me. None of these happenings are very significant in any way, in fact they're generally small things, like a half grown pup barking as if it's the leader of the pack, or a group of small kids dancing around a water pipe, or even just the absurd manner in which a black bird with a ridiculously long tail flies. Often I wish I could always carry a camera around with me, for there are so many moments I would love to capture forever. Yet along with the things that make me happy, I also come across moments that depress me, and one of the most common things that depress me happens to be poverty.

Just the other day, we were walking to class, and as we passed by the small brick houses, if you can call them houses, of the construction workers, I saw a small boy crying, and an old man holding the boy trying to quiet him down, and somehow I could tell the boy was hungry, and it made my heart ache as I heard his wails. Long after we passed the child, I could still hear his screams of agony, and I wondered why people are allowed to live in such conditions. The conditions they live in are inhuman, and it's really sad that not much is being done (or maybe even cannot be done) to help bring up their standard of living. It still haunts me sometimes, the cry of that hungry boy, and the sad look on the old man's face.

It's really easy to ignore the poverty around us while we live in nice houses and go to college and get a chance to make our lives, but what do these kids out on the streets have? Most of them land up being no better off than their parents, and for that matter of fact, probably worse off. Many may be capable of having a better life but never get the chance to pursue it, and it's almost shameful that there's no proper manner in which to inspire them or give them a chance at a better life. I know, it's really easy to blame the government, and I also know that maybe the government cannot do much, but certain rules should be passed to bring up the standard of public schools, and grant scholarships to students below the poverty line. Every child born deserves an equal chance to make their lives.

Sometimes I see workers and old men walking on the streets, and I feel so sorry for them. Then I say to myself that I shouldn't feel sorry for them, because at least they have a job, at least they earn something, even if it's not much. There are so many people in our country who aren't even able to do that much. It was a book, The City of Joy, which made me realize that just because these people are poor doesn't mean they aren't happy, nor does it mean that they deserve pity. Yes it makes me sad when I see so much poverty around me, but I have learned not to pity them, for they are probably stronger-willed than most of us, and strong will deserves no pity.

I do hope that someday I'll be able to make a difference, even if it only affects a few lives, for saving even one life is a really big thing. I really hope that over time this disease called poverty will be lessened, and more people get the chance to have more choices to the kind of life they want.

The President is a Monkey

So the Woodchuck Gods haven’t gotten very far in their quest to take over the world, but that doesn’t mean they’re not working on it. In their clandestine underground base, much activity can be seen these days, as they prepare for the first insurrection, the first step towards their victory over mankind and other species on earth. They’ve prepared a nuclear weapons base which all of mankind is unaware of, especially American President George W. Bush, who is too busy declaring war on countries that don’t even have nuclear arms to notice this uprising among the Woodchuck Gods. Of course who can blame this intelligent President, after all, imaginary nuclear weapons is a very tempting ground for going to war with a weaker country, especially one in the Middle East.

As for religion being a popular ground for killing people and blowing things up throughout the world, the Woodchuck Gods have a solution to this problem too, though I would rather not let the contents of their plan be disclosed to the mere mortals of the world (no offence, I’m one of them too). As for racism being a ground for being unable to have the President America deserves to undo the deterioration of the last twenty years, when it comes to the Woodchuck Gods, there is no black and white, but only brown. For the last twenty years, America has been ruled by only two families, and I really don’t believe we need another four to eight years of being ruled by them. A new President is required, one who can actually do something for the country and not someone who passes racial comments and has a husband who was already a President. A new mind, some new ideas.

Frankly speaking, the Woodchuck Gods have many reforms in mind to make this world a better place, and I feel that this world really needs a revolution from the side of the more intelligent beings to make the world less chaotic. These days even a monkey can become a President or Prime Minister, and most of the masses wouldn’t even realize it. So why not let actual intelligent Woodchuck Gods take over the world so that the end of everything can be delayed by a few years if not more? There are so many issues that aren’t even given the slightest attention, or at least not enough. Very conveniently, America declared to the world that global warming is not something to worry about, even though effects of global warming are already starting to be seen. As for poverty, what’s being done about it? The poor only gets poorer, and the rich richer, so what’s the point in talking about a nation progressing, when the poor are becoming worse off than ever?

So I support the Woodchuck Gods one hundred percent in their quest to take over the world, for if a monkey can rule a nation, why can’t a Woodchuck rule the world? Anyways the Woodchuck Gods are far more superior to the mere monkeys of this world.

Professors and Music

Today in our Operating System class, our teacher was in no mood to impart technological knowledge, so instead he talked to us about how in today's world no one wants to get involved in the teaching profession. Everyone wants to work in big companies and make a lot of money, and yet they complain about how the standard of engineering institutes is degrading. It's true that there is a shortage of professors in engineering colleges, more so of properly qualified professors, and even I have often wondered where this world will land up. People these days run after the well paid professions, without realizing how important the smaller professions really are. Of course I don't say that we should drop our lives and become bus drivers, but I think everyone, no matter what profession, needs respect and appreciation for what they're doing.

Our professor pointed out that in today's world professors no longer get the respect they once got, he told us how his friends often tell him that's he's a psycho for joining the teaching profession rather than joining a software company and earning lots of money. He also pointed out how the teaching profession is one that requires the best brains in the field to actually make a difference. I guess I really felt for him, though nothing can actually be done about this problem unless people themselves become more like him and do it because they feel passionate about it.

On another note, yesterday I watched I'm Not There, a movie based on the life and music of Bob Dylan. It took Todd Haynes seven years to make this movie. Six different aspects of Dylan's personality and life were taken and forged into six different characters. I loved every minute of it, it was seriously one very good and well made movie. It was like a collage of Dylan's personality. Everyone who likes Dylan or folk music/classic rock should definitely watch it.

It took me a long time to realize how amazing classic rock really is. I listened to a lot of modern rock, and a lot of bad music at that, and only after years of thinking the stuff I listen to is good music, did I realize the significance and greatness of classic rock. I'm glad I wasted away that many years listening to stuff you can't even compare to the old stuff, because it made me realize the real greatness in the old musicians. I really don't want to imagine the future of rock 'n roll.

I think I haven't evolved in the wrong direction after all, up to a certain extent that is. I'm still sane and that's a comforting thought, for after living here for two and a half years, I was seriously beginning to think I'm losing my mind. Somewhere in my heart I'm still me, and more than ever I think I want to live again. Somewhere along the way I got lost, and I forgot about some of my ideals only to fill the void in my life, and now I'm beginning to realize that to fill the void I never had to lose myself, I never had to give up my ideals. There's really no point in trying too hard, for it's almost as good as not trying at all, or actually even worse, and it took me about a year to realize that. So now, I'm going to go back to being me, the me before I lost my way, the me who is still sane. I'm still sane.

A Short Temper

Often I feel very inadequate, for over the last few months I have come to realize that I'm not as good as I thought, may it be on the basis of intelligence, or on the basis of a good human being. Most of my life I had been one of the more intelligent people in my class, at least I always thought so. Even when I wasn't doing well enough, I still considered myself better than most people for there were those strengths I thought I had which would always be the saving point in my life. Finally after seeing how precisely those strengths that I took for granted let me down, I came to realize that maybe I was never good enough after all.

As a person, I did consider myself a more white than black person at heart, but now when I think about it, maybe I haven't been a good person either. There are many things I've done in the past that shouldn't have been done, many thing's I've said that need not have been said. To this day I still remember the bad things I did in elementary school or middle school and feel bad about it. I've always had a temper, but I never showed it to anyone until they really badly hurt me (which did happen back in elementary and middle school). Lately, I've lost control over it, and I no longer know how to deal with how angry or sad I feel. I land up passing really mean, rude, and sarcastic comments, and land up doing crazy things. Very recently I did something that I never should have done, and I seriously believe that maybe I deserve that no one should talk to me ever again.

The problem with my temper now is that I land up showering it on people who aren't even supposed to know I have a temper. I never mean the things I say, I would never have even thought about them before saying them, but suddenly out of nowhere a thought hits me and it comes flying out of my mouth. I forget all sense of rationality, I forget all sense of the fact that my words hurt a lot, and after I do it, I feel so bad that I wish I could kill myself for being so mean. Very recently I hurt some people, and I'm afraid that maybe this time I went too far, for I had no business doing what I did. I didn't intend to hurt anybody, but it just happened when I was angry, and afterwards I felt so bad. I'm a really bad person.

I want to apologize to anyone and everyone whom I've hurt, may it be a small matter or a big one. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean any of it, I swear I didn't. I know I should do something about my temper and I'm trying, and I thought I was getting better until I went and committed one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

And my biggest apology goes to the one person who has to put up with me most of the time, and I know it's really difficult every time, for even I feel that maybe I'm not good enough after all, may you judge me on the basis of intelligence or as a person. I'm really sorry, and I never mean the nasty things I say or do, but you have to be at the receiving end every time, and I know I'm real difficult to put up with.

Footprints

I've wandered in the past many a time, looking for answers, looking for questions for answers, but no matter how much I wandered I never could find what I seeked, I never could find what my heart longed for. I've never known what it is that I crave for, nor have I tried to find out. I know of no such name for it, nor do I know of a feeling which feels like it. All I know is that it exists, form or formless, I cannot say, but it exists. I can feel it's presence running through my very veins, I can feel it's song in my very soul. I searched my past, but all it left in me was pain and longing, all it left was this lingering scent of a certain innocent happiness, happiness I haven't dwelt in for a long time.

I hitched a ride to the future, at least what I can make of the future I want to have or seem likely to have. There I wandered long in a pseudo-happiness which I believed to be real. It felt like I had drunk wine and was lost in a hallucination where all that existed was me and all the happiness in the world at my service. Light-headed and seemingly in love with the future, I thought I was close to finding that which I cannot grasp, I thought my search was coming to an end, I thought I had found my true destiny. Alas, all must awaken from their hallucinations and see the real world around them, stark naked and shivering. As the fantasy world dissolved, so did my sense of reality and optimism, and hatred poured in.

It was unfair, I thought, that the world was doing this to me. All I wanted was some peace of mind, and I knew I could not have any until I found that which I had never felt, until I found that which I couldn't even find a name for. It was supposed to be a beautiful feeling, at least that's how I imagined it to be, though it must be more beautiful than beautiful feelings are supposed to be, for it wasn't even something money could buy.

Then one day while wandering in my sadness, in my desperate state of being, I watched the sunset as an ocean wave rolled over the footprints my feet had made in the wet sand. It didn't disappear completely, but left an impression behind in the sand. It stayed like that until the fourth wave rolled over it, and then it finally disappeared forever. I don't understand what it is that I wanted, maybe I never did, maybe I never would, but at that precise moment I realized that if I didn't stop searching and start living soon, then I would fade away just like my footprints did and only when it's too late would I realize that I was fading away. Automatically I found that which I had been looking for all my life, happiness.