Often I feel very inadequate, for over the last few months I have come to realize that I'm not as good as I thought, may it be on the basis of intelligence, or on the basis of a good human being. Most of my life I had been one of the more intelligent people in my class, at least I always thought so. Even when I wasn't doing well enough, I still considered myself better than most people for there were those strengths I thought I had which would always be the saving point in my life. Finally after seeing how precisely those strengths that I took for granted let me down, I came to realize that maybe I was never good enough after all.
As a person, I did consider myself a more white than black person at heart, but now when I think about it, maybe I haven't been a good person either. There are many things I've done in the past that shouldn't have been done, many thing's I've said that need not have been said. To this day I still remember the bad things I did in elementary school or middle school and feel bad about it. I've always had a temper, but I never showed it to anyone until they really badly hurt me (which did happen back in elementary and middle school). Lately, I've lost control over it, and I no longer know how to deal with how angry or sad I feel. I land up passing really mean, rude, and sarcastic comments, and land up doing crazy things. Very recently I did something that I never should have done, and I seriously believe that maybe I deserve that no one should talk to me ever again.
The problem with my temper now is that I land up showering it on people who aren't even supposed to know I have a temper. I never mean the things I say, I would never have even thought about them before saying them, but suddenly out of nowhere a thought hits me and it comes flying out of my mouth. I forget all sense of rationality, I forget all sense of the fact that my words hurt a lot, and after I do it, I feel so bad that I wish I could kill myself for being so mean. Very recently I hurt some people, and I'm afraid that maybe this time I went too far, for I had no business doing what I did. I didn't intend to hurt anybody, but it just happened when I was angry, and afterwards I felt so bad. I'm a really bad person.
I want to apologize to anyone and everyone whom I've hurt, may it be a small matter or a big one. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean any of it, I swear I didn't. I know I should do something about my temper and I'm trying, and I thought I was getting better until I went and committed one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
And my biggest apology goes to the one person who has to put up with me most of the time, and I know it's really difficult every time, for even I feel that maybe I'm not good enough after all, may you judge me on the basis of intelligence or as a person. I'm really sorry, and I never mean the nasty things I say or do, but you have to be at the receiving end every time, and I know I'm real difficult to put up with.
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7 comments:
hey.You're just going through a rough patch and you feel really bad about yourself right now.But trust me when i say,It;ll pass.Hope you feel better sooner.
Hello,
according to me people are neither black nor white everyone is just grey and by realizing your mistakes you have shifted yourself to the lighter side of grey. and dont worry people dont have to put up with you the do because they want to.
mithrandir is right.
now the performance in one dumb mock test isnt a true reflection of how intelligent someone is, for i believe thats what you mean when u say that you arent as intelligent as you thought. and as long as you felt bad and apologized to people who were actually hurt. keep posting, and good luck for the exams.
now the performance in one dumb mock test isnt a true reflection of how intelligent someone is, for i believe thats what you mean when u say that you arent as intelligent as you thought. and if you felt real bad and apologized to people who were actually hurt, you need not feel bad about it anymore. keep posting, and good luck for the exams.
Hi,
It was really quite brave of you to write about this. All of us feel insecure and inadequate at times in our lives but very few of us admit it even to ourselves, let alone the rest of the world. And though you've obviously been judging yourself way too harshly, the very fact that you have been doing it and that you've been trying to bring changes in your life based on it, says something about you. Because the truth is that we're all very flawed people but it's when people learn to, firstly, admit to having those flaws and then to deal with them that they really begin to stand out from the crowd.
"Who you are speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you are saying" This holds most true for me with regard to the ppl I knw and trust ,so the ones that put up with you knw and understand this fact about you, so fret not about being difficult,everyone is difficult, at the end of it all, its never bout what you said or did, its always bout what you did after realising a mistake you made. To not learn from the mistakes you make that's the greatest and only sin of them all.
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