Today in our Operating System class, our teacher was in no mood to impart technological knowledge, so instead he talked to us about how in today's world no one wants to get involved in the teaching profession. Everyone wants to work in big companies and make a lot of money, and yet they complain about how the standard of engineering institutes is degrading. It's true that there is a shortage of professors in engineering colleges, more so of properly qualified professors, and even I have often wondered where this world will land up. People these days run after the well paid professions, without realizing how important the smaller professions really are. Of course I don't say that we should drop our lives and become bus drivers, but I think everyone, no matter what profession, needs respect and appreciation for what they're doing.
Our professor pointed out that in today's world professors no longer get the respect they once got, he told us how his friends often tell him that's he's a psycho for joining the teaching profession rather than joining a software company and earning lots of money. He also pointed out how the teaching profession is one that requires the best brains in the field to actually make a difference. I guess I really felt for him, though nothing can actually be done about this problem unless people themselves become more like him and do it because they feel passionate about it.
On another note, yesterday I watched I'm Not There, a movie based on the life and music of Bob Dylan. It took Todd Haynes seven years to make this movie. Six different aspects of Dylan's personality and life were taken and forged into six different characters. I loved every minute of it, it was seriously one very good and well made movie. It was like a collage of Dylan's personality. Everyone who likes Dylan or folk music/classic rock should definitely watch it.
It took me a long time to realize how amazing classic rock really is. I listened to a lot of modern rock, and a lot of bad music at that, and only after years of thinking the stuff I listen to is good music, did I realize the significance and greatness of classic rock. I'm glad I wasted away that many years listening to stuff you can't even compare to the old stuff, because it made me realize the real greatness in the old musicians. I really don't want to imagine the future of rock 'n roll.
I think I haven't evolved in the wrong direction after all, up to a certain extent that is. I'm still sane and that's a comforting thought, for after living here for two and a half years, I was seriously beginning to think I'm losing my mind. Somewhere in my heart I'm still me, and more than ever I think I want to live again. Somewhere along the way I got lost, and I forgot about some of my ideals only to fill the void in my life, and now I'm beginning to realize that to fill the void I never had to lose myself, I never had to give up my ideals. There's really no point in trying too hard, for it's almost as good as not trying at all, or actually even worse, and it took me about a year to realize that. So now, I'm going to go back to being me, the me before I lost my way, the me who is still sane. I'm still sane.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Friday, February 8, 2008
A Short Temper
Often I feel very inadequate, for over the last few months I have come to realize that I'm not as good as I thought, may it be on the basis of intelligence, or on the basis of a good human being. Most of my life I had been one of the more intelligent people in my class, at least I always thought so. Even when I wasn't doing well enough, I still considered myself better than most people for there were those strengths I thought I had which would always be the saving point in my life. Finally after seeing how precisely those strengths that I took for granted let me down, I came to realize that maybe I was never good enough after all.
As a person, I did consider myself a more white than black person at heart, but now when I think about it, maybe I haven't been a good person either. There are many things I've done in the past that shouldn't have been done, many thing's I've said that need not have been said. To this day I still remember the bad things I did in elementary school or middle school and feel bad about it. I've always had a temper, but I never showed it to anyone until they really badly hurt me (which did happen back in elementary and middle school). Lately, I've lost control over it, and I no longer know how to deal with how angry or sad I feel. I land up passing really mean, rude, and sarcastic comments, and land up doing crazy things. Very recently I did something that I never should have done, and I seriously believe that maybe I deserve that no one should talk to me ever again.
The problem with my temper now is that I land up showering it on people who aren't even supposed to know I have a temper. I never mean the things I say, I would never have even thought about them before saying them, but suddenly out of nowhere a thought hits me and it comes flying out of my mouth. I forget all sense of rationality, I forget all sense of the fact that my words hurt a lot, and after I do it, I feel so bad that I wish I could kill myself for being so mean. Very recently I hurt some people, and I'm afraid that maybe this time I went too far, for I had no business doing what I did. I didn't intend to hurt anybody, but it just happened when I was angry, and afterwards I felt so bad. I'm a really bad person.
I want to apologize to anyone and everyone whom I've hurt, may it be a small matter or a big one. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean any of it, I swear I didn't. I know I should do something about my temper and I'm trying, and I thought I was getting better until I went and committed one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
And my biggest apology goes to the one person who has to put up with me most of the time, and I know it's really difficult every time, for even I feel that maybe I'm not good enough after all, may you judge me on the basis of intelligence or as a person. I'm really sorry, and I never mean the nasty things I say or do, but you have to be at the receiving end every time, and I know I'm real difficult to put up with.
As a person, I did consider myself a more white than black person at heart, but now when I think about it, maybe I haven't been a good person either. There are many things I've done in the past that shouldn't have been done, many thing's I've said that need not have been said. To this day I still remember the bad things I did in elementary school or middle school and feel bad about it. I've always had a temper, but I never showed it to anyone until they really badly hurt me (which did happen back in elementary and middle school). Lately, I've lost control over it, and I no longer know how to deal with how angry or sad I feel. I land up passing really mean, rude, and sarcastic comments, and land up doing crazy things. Very recently I did something that I never should have done, and I seriously believe that maybe I deserve that no one should talk to me ever again.
The problem with my temper now is that I land up showering it on people who aren't even supposed to know I have a temper. I never mean the things I say, I would never have even thought about them before saying them, but suddenly out of nowhere a thought hits me and it comes flying out of my mouth. I forget all sense of rationality, I forget all sense of the fact that my words hurt a lot, and after I do it, I feel so bad that I wish I could kill myself for being so mean. Very recently I hurt some people, and I'm afraid that maybe this time I went too far, for I had no business doing what I did. I didn't intend to hurt anybody, but it just happened when I was angry, and afterwards I felt so bad. I'm a really bad person.
I want to apologize to anyone and everyone whom I've hurt, may it be a small matter or a big one. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean any of it, I swear I didn't. I know I should do something about my temper and I'm trying, and I thought I was getting better until I went and committed one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
And my biggest apology goes to the one person who has to put up with me most of the time, and I know it's really difficult every time, for even I feel that maybe I'm not good enough after all, may you judge me on the basis of intelligence or as a person. I'm really sorry, and I never mean the nasty things I say or do, but you have to be at the receiving end every time, and I know I'm real difficult to put up with.
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