Moving Away

Sometimes people move away, maybe to another city, maybe just because they're bored of where they're living. Moving is a normal part of life, and for people like me, it is an integral part of life. I have been moving from one place to another, from one house to another, just about all my life. I haven't lived in a house for more than three years.

Sometimes I feel I have become incapable of settling down in one house/place, and I soon start to get bored. Three years and I'm so utterly bored that I want to leave. Luckily, this only holds good for houses, and not for people. I don't get bored of people...not even if they try to bore me!

Anyways this time I'm not moving house (I recently did, my parents shifted from old house to the one we're currently living in, and I shifted from my hostel in Allahabad to this place in Hyderabad...how I miss living in the hostel...*sigh*...I miss hostel). I am moving my blog...

A friend of mine inspired me to shift to http://www.wordpress.com/ and I have done so. See, my blog is still the same, only the platform and look and feel have changed. The new blog is a continuation of this one (note I've given it the same title), thus it's still the same.

So for all further posts, please refer to:

http://deadpoet88.wordpress.com/

And don't forget to LEAVE COMMENTS on my new blog!! :P (also a word of thanks to all you people who read my blog...really, you've kept me going...)

The Way it Makes Me Feel

It's been a while...

Was going through a strange phase, and had decided to give up writing for an indefinitely long time, but somewhere along the way the experiment failed, and I'm back here to bug all of you to death... :P

I guess there are somethings that matter too much to actually give up, and I realized that the hard way.

Anyways this blog is not about me, so I'll stop ranting about myself (though of course I would love to bore all of you to death about how great I am...:P)

I still remember that last day in Allahabad, I woke up at around 4:30 as I had to meet a friend as soon as my hostel gates opened up (actually I was too sad about leaving to sleep, and at the same time too excited). It felt good being awake to watch the sky lighten, and see birds flying overhead. It is a morning I'll never forget...

Missed the sunrise that morning, all because of my hostel guards who have always felt important as they had the keys to the hostel, were extra difficult to deal with that day about letting me out. Still it was beautiful, sitting there staring at the sun's reflection on the water. There is a tranquility in such things that stays with you for life...

I had a very strange feeling those last few days I was there in Allahabad, especially that morning. Do you ever get a feeling that all you want to do is dissolve into that moment and become one with it? Like nothing in the world matters, but what you feel at that precise moment, and you would give up everything in the world to freeze time for a little while. I hadn't felt that way before, but whatever it was, it felt beautiful.

And sometimes you listen to a song, and you land up closing your eyes, and literally feel the music flowing through your veins, and when the music ends, that moment of silence leaves you dumbstruck. Sometimes it is the music alone, other times it is the lyrics, but it's best when the lyrics and the music both touch something inside of you.

When reading a book, or a poem, sometimes a line or a paragraph/stanza sends shivers down your spine, and you just stop for a moment, as if time came to a standstill, while your mind properly digests the real gist of what you just read. One book I recently read that made me feel this way was Lord of the Flies, just some lines here or there were enough to make me think...whoa...(another such book was To Kill a Mockingbird).

Yet nothing in the world beats writing a single line that leaves you in awe of yourself. After writing for so long, I still do not think I have written that line, but someday I hope to. Someday on this ride called life, I want to be able to write one meaningful sentence, for I feel it would be enough to...

I just want to take the fall, and see where I land...even if it leaves me utterly broken.

Magic

Sitting at home I have started losing my mind (not that I had any to start with), in a bad way. This post is not about that (even though I know that I need to get it out of my system).

A long time ago, in a land far away, there lived a girl. She was an ordinary girl, from a not so ordinary family. She had a childhood of constant conflict, a childhood divided in two. Often in later years she would wish she could unlive the childhood she had, she would wish she could erase all memories of it. Sadly, she had a terribly good memory, a memory most considered a great virtue, but only she knew it was nothing but a vice, a burden. Sometimes it's better to forget, to feel true bliss.

As this girl grew older, and her awkwardness seeped underneath her skin and corrupted her mind, she thought more and more often of hiding, of disappearing into nothingness. Slowly she withdrew into the shadows of her broken world, and shut out all the light. It was there that she realized she had a gift, she knew magic. The petty mortals of the world knew not of such a thing, and she knew they would not understand, she knew that they would shun her away as if she were an alien being. So this gift of her's she hid from all.

The magic she knew, my friends, was not your ordinary stuff of love potions and flying sky high, it involved no wand, nor did it have much to do with spells and magic words. No, her magical powers were beyond it all. She had the ability to go to any place she liked, change her surroundings into anything that pleased her, provided she would go back to the world in which she was born once the magic of the moment wore out. She had the ability to change the world.

At first she only used her gift like a drug, to drift herself away from the pains of everyday life. She would take herself to watch beautiful sunsets, and see majestic waterfalls. She would take herself to mountainsides and riverbeds, she would even take herself to space and roam galaxies never even dreamed of. She created lands of bliss all around her, she created a perfect world, where no pain could be found, no pain could be caused, nothing negative existed. Alas the ecstasy of drugs must soon turn into dark paranoia.

The burden of pain she carried in her heart soon seeped into the wounds and cracks of her world of escape. The pain permeated through her skin, into the air around her and made it heavy, suffocating her. Was her gift to turn into a bane? She could have succumbed to it, like she had given in to every sorrow or happiness that came her way, but for the first time in her life she wanted to put up a fight, even if it meant the death of her. Even death is better than a void, better than emptiness.

So she traveled to worlds of suffering with her magic, she saw the horrors of war first hand, she saw the inhuman conditions of the slums, she saw the hypocrisy of the government, she was an eyewitness of how that which seemed white quickly faded to black, and how not all black things were truly dark. She saw cunning behind the pure, and the naivety behind the corrupt. She saw for the first time human suffering, human bondage, cruelty and true surrender. She watched a suicide, she committed a murder, the turmoils and guilt of the world was now heavy on her back, like burden of the workers who carried bricks for miles to build a lost cause. Only then did she see the naked truth, only then did she cast away the pains of everyday life and learn to smile. She understood her gift, this ability to change the world.

Far in the future, when she had truly mastered her gift, and was busy bettering the world, she heard a voice ringing in the distance. She felt a hand on her shoulder, and turned to see no one. Then she watched her world come crashing down, it was a blur of color, like buckets of falling paint. And then it was darkness. Her pen slipped and fell to the floor, and a familiar hand reached to pick it up for her...

Ah...Woodchuck Gods...

Often I've sat and wondered why the Woodchuck Gods suddenly awoke to realize they wanted to take over the world. I mean, sure the world is in a pretty chaotic condition right now, and they sure haven't been worshiped by any carbon-based life forms that I know of, but why realize these facts after existing and evolving over millions of years? Yet I'm very sure the source of my worries is of absolutely no importance whatsoever, at least not at this precise moment.

The Woodchuck Gods never quite approved the exchange of tiny green pieces of paper for goods of real value. They always found it odd how humans tend to rely so much on these little sheets of paper that there was such a high percentage of them worrying about this trade. Some Homo sapiens even murdered or committed suicide over these tiny pieces of green paper. Now that the world was plunge into what was called an Economic Crisis, the Woodchuck Gods were left dumbstruck at the condition these so-called intelligent life forms brought upon themselves. So many people lost their jobs (what humans hate doing but must do to get these little green pieces of paper), and at such times finding this source of income was very difficult indeed.

The Woodchuck Gods often wondered why some carbon-based life forms had huge concrete/wood structures to sleep in, while others lived under a tin roof, or sometimes not even that. The Woodchuck Gods had always seen that their fellow Woodchucks were well off, and if ever one was in need of anything, many Woodchuck Gods were ready to lend a helping hand. Yet this world of humans was almost cruel. Tattered and torn younglings would go up to these men in suits, holding breifcases, and ask for a tiny share of those green pieces of paper, enough to buy them a meal, but they would always be turned down. Yet these humans in suits would gladly give a portion of their little green sheets of paper to fat men who transported them from one end of a road to another in yellow steel frames that had wheels. Oh the irony...

What struck them as even odder was the fact that most Homo sapiens had the time to hate other Homo sapiens on the basis of creed, class, color, religion, or even sexual orientation! The Woodchuck Gods never cared much if their fellow Woodchucks were dark furred or light furred, or whether they were the types who liked members of the same sex, or if one Woodchuck believed in UFOs and the other did not. The Woodchuck Gods always felt that there were more important ways to judge other Woodchucks, ways that didn't reek of prejudice. Woodchuck Gods believed in the equality of all Woodchucks. Yet humans killed each other because of these differences, they killed each other for no fault, for no reason, for no purpose other than hatred.

"Why do humans give so much importance to the unborn of their species when they happily kill animals capable of feeling?" wondered one of the Woodchuck Gods as he heard about protests against abortion. The Woodchuck Gods always believed that it was one's choice to agree with abortion or not, but protesting against it was a absolute stupidity, let the person in question decide whether it's wrong according to them or not. This went for so many other things, like banning stem cell research. Why stop the scientific progress of the world only because your views differ from someone elses? They say we have freedom of thought, freedom of speech, but the Woodchuck Gods realized that they were just silly phrases to cover up the fact that such things did not exist.

The human world is a complex place, full of contradictions everywhere. Unnecessary complexities add to the already burdensome life that these humans live. The Woodchuck Gods watched the birds fly, and they knew what freedom really is. That eagle soaring up in the sky symbolizes the freedom of thought, that nightingale singing its song in the night symbolizes the freedom of speech, and inbetween is nothing but true bliss. If ever the Woodchuck Gods wanted to take over the earth, it was because they wanted to see every living entity get the most out of this life they had been given, rather than wasting it away in sorrows and burdens with just an insignificant hint of what life really is.

Alas, will the world ever be free?

Another Dose of Poverty...

The woman was a sad sight, she was not exactly old but was bending, clad in an old sari. Her eyes seemed to be two pools of darkness, yet through the infinite depths of darkness you could still see a tiny sparkle. The man was in an even worse condition, quite old, toothless, he could hardly walk, and I noticed his hands were shaking. It seemed as if every movement he made was a form of suffering for him.

I went to the bank today with my friend. We had to withdraw some money, and my friend had lost his ATM card ages ago. I gave him my ATM card while I filled out the cash withdrawal slip for him. When he came back, I asked him the amount, and as I finished filling out the slip, a lady I recognized as one of the maids in my hostel, came to us and asked me to fill out the slip for her. She seemed so helpless and unsure about whether we would help her or not. She gave us a booklet which had her details and told us she has to withdraw a thousand rupees. I passed it on to my friend, as I was never very fluent with Hindi, and I did not want to make a mistake. Then she had to sign, so she went and got an ink pad and put her thumb print as her signature on three different spots. She was illiterate.

Then the old man came, looking even more unsure of himself, and meekly asked us if we would fill his too. I had seen him earlier while waiting for my friend, the man was having difficulty tearing out a slip from the stack, and when he got it, he walked out the bank (probably in search of someone who could help him fill it). He had to withdraw two hundred rupees. He kept telling us his details, unsure about whether my friend filled it our properly or not. He could not speak very properly. When it came to signing his signature, he took the slip and walked out the bank again. By then I was feeling really depressed, and to make it worse my friend turned to me and said, "It's really sad. I've lent that man a hundred rupees before, I think he drinks a lot though."

My friend got up to withdraw his money, and I sat there watching everyone in the bank, especially the woman and the old man. I felt like crying.

When I got back to my room, I did cry (I do not mean to be dramatic or anything, but these things make me really sad).

I understand we have come here to study, we are here to get a job or go for higher studies, earn a lot of money, get a few cars, buy a house, support our family, but is that really all that life is about? There's so much poverty, so much illiteracy in this world, in our own college, yet I hardly ever see anyone giving a damn about it. I am not even a good person, but still I notice these people around us, living in animal-like conditions. All you good people out there, what has happened to you? Why do you miss these things when you go places? Why do you miss seeing the kids working in our mess? Why do you not notice those kids at the crossing who do not go to school? Why is it that you see the old working and care not for their heavy burden? Why is it that no one thinks that everyone deserves an equal opportunity to live? Have you ever given candy to a poor child and seen their face light up?

There's more to life than just success, money, and fame. As the literate lucky of this society, I think we should take it up as a responsibility to look after the less fortunate. Everyone deserves a chance to live life.

The Lost People

I'll try something new here, as I do believe it will be a good experiment. I sure hope I don't land up boring people to death instead...

In a ruinous land, far from civilization (and thankfully for that) was a large structure of much importance to the history of the development of mankind. An ancient school, or bath, a public house of the poor, or a meeting place for an ancient government practice, or maybe even a mini city within another. So large and vast was this structure, that even after decades of research one couldn't quite tell what purpose it served, but could only tell that it served one of great importance. Lost was the past in the depths of darkness, and when the light reemerged it was too far submerged, and thus lost forever.

It was rain that poured forth, like the ravings of a madman, threatening to destroy the meaning of life and death. This destructive storm seemed to wash away the sins of man, but in reality all it did was cover up the sins of man in a veil of purity. Thus those who walked the earth, seemingly pure, were in reality the worst of sinners, and those who seemed soiled were the true pure men of the earth. What was the purpose of such a veil on the morality of mankind? What was the reason for living in such a world of deception? Here this tale begins…

It was a time when the intelligent life on our planet depended on the existence of a superior being. Please the Gods, perform ridiculous rituals to make them happy and these Gods would let the rain pelt down to water the crops, or let the sun shine to take away the bitter cold of the winters. It was a time when people believed that there was an entity who had nothing better to do than look over all of mankind, and watched each being perform good or bad deeds, and accordingly reward them or punish them for all that they have done. In those times it was also believed that one could visit a few places and be washed away of all sins, or buy their way into heaven (which was like an afterlife paradise). For the rest of the people, there was hell (where all the sinners were sent to, to be tortured for eternity). They say these Gods were all forgiving, admit your mistake and reform, and you will be forgiven, but for the sins you have committed, you would be sent to burn in hell.

What was even more bizarre was that even at that time, no one agreed on one supreme being, everyone had their own concept of a God, and they kept fighting over who’s concept of a superior entity was better.

It was a strange time, and the consequences of this dependence on a supreme entity were finally burdening the world and its entire population. People were so adamant about their beliefs that they refused to give them up for peace and prosperity. Wars broke out, and there were terrorist attacks widespread in the lands, yet these people refused to understand the importance of giving up their beliefs to save the lives of millions. Some of the more intelligent groups even used this concept called religion (worship of a higher being) to hide their true purpose for spreading chaos, which was mostly economic or political.

What makes it worse is the fact that not only was the Homo sapiens affected, but so were all the other creatures and vegetative life on the planet. Species were going extinct, and as the vegetation on Earth decreased, the temperatures started rising, and strange meteorological phenomenon started to take place. The world became empty of the sources of energy, and no one seemed to care enough to conserve the little they had, nor did they try to find and widely implement other safer forms of energy.

As time went on, people became malicious; the world was no longer a friendly place to live in. Crime rates increased, more people were murdered, raped, more thefts took place, more gangs walked the streets. People were afraid of leaving their houses, poverty increased, the quantity of good people decreased. Soon enough the world was struck with an economic crisis (this of course was unrelated to religion), resulting due to the existence of pseudo-money in many firms. When this scam was uncovered, the world was in a state of disarray, for no one quite knew how to handle the situation. Everyday the few sane people left would have to stop and ask, what is wrong with the world we live in? What is wrong with people? Are sex, drugs, violence, money, and fame, all that people live for these days?

Just when the few intellectuals had given up hope, they found they were right in doing so. These intellectuals were the only ones who called themselves Atheists, those who worshipped no one. They realized that the world depended far too much on this superior God to make the world a better place. They were the only ones who realized that to make the world a safe place to live in every person on the planet had to give up their belief in this God and believe in themselves and work to make the world a better place. They also knew that this religious bane had to be removed so that at least a few of the world’s problems could be solved, and so other important issues could be handled.

They spoke out against this religion rubbish, and tried to make the people see that only they could save the Earth from utter ruin. They told people that half their problems lie in this false belief and that people were much too intelligent for such gibberish, but their voices were suppressed. They were termed the demons out to ruin the peace and prosperity of the world by spreading their lies and corrupting the minds of innocent believers. Luckily at that time, they could not be condemned to death, but were only converted into outcasts of society. They were not allowed to help better the Earth.

They formed a society for all Atheists, to try and find a solution to this virus called religion that had spread throughout the world. They knew that in the world today, there was no space for a Godly being, because man had discovered so much in science in technology that there was no need to explain most strange phenomenon. People already knew what was happening. They knew religion existed in the ancient world because they did not know what was happening, so they created this entity to have an explanation for all that occurred in the world. Sadly the world has always been cruel to those who go against religious preaching; the world has always condemned those who know the truth before their time. Uniqueness and intelligence have never been rewarded.

This society spoke out against what was happening in the world, thinking a large group will be stronger than an individual. They took a stand against injustice, a stand against foolishness, a stand against religion, a stand to make the world a better and smarter place, a stand to remove evils like terrorism and remove prejudice against certain people because of what religious teachings taught other people.

Sadly all the intellects that were a part of this society suddenly disappeared off the face of the Earth, in a so-called “sad accident” involving a terrorist bombing of their station. They had been disbanded. No one cared much to look into the issue, and in fact there was much rejoicing in certain parts of the world for the devil in disguise of Atheists was finally dead. The veil that had fallen on mankind was much too heavy to remove.

Bleak was the future into which the world was thrust. Things did not improve, in fact conditions only worsened. Finally the human race destroyed themselves due to global warming and a nuclear war.

Today mankind is no more, for evolution took a step further out of which we have come to be. To us there is no such thing as a supreme being who controls everything that happens in the world, to us there’s only us and all that nature, science, and technology can give us. We are an evolved race of intellectuals. After finding out so much about the past from where we have come, the only conclusion I can come to about those ruins is that it must have been a place of worship. To us there is no God, which explains why it took us so long to discover the purpose of those ruins. Oh the irony.

Eucalyptus

I hear a whisper in the willows,
The scent of eucalyptus fills the air.
I'm only climbing up the steps right now,
As though you were never really there.

I feel myself flying, touching the treetops.
I can still hear the screaming in my head.
A cold breeze catches me and sends me soaring,
As the earth shrinks into an insignificant thread.

I'm walking by your side now,
As you decide to lead the way.
I can feel the awkward silence,
But I can't make it go away.

I'm too busy looking happy,
Too lost in believing everything's alright.
Then again I hear the screaming,
And this time it gives me quite a fright.

You pretend as if you're happy,
But I can see it in your eyes.
You wish for things to be so different,
Though you believe you're paying back the price.

We're feeding the brown ducks now,
It's no longer something we can hide.
There's this sadness on your face
Which desperately makes me want to cry.

I want to hug you and tell you I admire you,
I want to see you laugh.
But there again I hear the screaming,
And I lose the courage to do anything like that.

We're heading back home now,
I really don't want to go.
I'm terribly afraid of the screaming.
More than that, I don't want to see you low.

As I step through the door of destruction,
I think of the day of which I just had a share,
But there's only one thing that I remember:
I really love the scent of eucalyptus in the air...

I wrote this a couple of years ago, and it has now become one of my favorites.

I Still Remember... (The Start)

It doesn't take long to judge a face they say,
Within the blink of an eye I knew you inside-out.
You did not see me as a girl that day,
But as a friend you would like to keep without a doubt.

Do you remember that time we were up all night?
Drinking coffee and shivering in the cold.
I knew I loved you, it gave me quite a fright,
That with you by my side, I wanted to grow old.

I wrote a book soon after, that was absolutely pointless,
Hinting someday I wanted to disappear with my best friend.
In anger I burnt it into an ashy black mess,
Still the pain in my heart it could not mend.

Sometimes you don't need words to understand,
The turmoil of a perplexed heart.
Time itself often lends a helping hand,
To those who have patience, waiting from the start.

In your small act of deception pertaining to a book,
I found a new meaning of joy.
You pulled my cheeks and I gave you a look,
Hiding how I felt for I was much too shy.

You named me Lucy, I named you Aslan,
And I felt your hand holding mine.
I’ll never forget that feeling, I never can,
Of the shivers that ran up my spine.

I still remember the look in your eyes,
When you told me that you love me.
And those long walks, ending with sad goodbyes,
In which we learned so much about each other, yes truly!

I still remember that day you said to me,
That our friendship shall always come first.
It’s what made our relationship so special,
The fact that we were more than just in love.

The above is dedicated to that special someone in my life, thank you for being there for me through thick and thin. You've been difficult at times, but great most of the time. :D I promised I would write a poem for you someday, and I'm very sorry it took me so long. With you even the best I've ever written won't be good enough, for I don't think I'll ever have the perfect words to express how I feel about you. So for now I guess this will have to do...

Love on a Tennis Court

It wasn't long ago when I first set foot and fell in love. It was a long affair that I had, and am in fact still having, but I do not wish to give it such a pinching name, for what I feel for him is only the truest and purest of love that one can feel. For a long time he kept me waiting for an answer, and in the middle I had almost given up hope, but finally he told me how he felt. It felt like a reawakening from the dead to me, it gave me so much joy to hear him say it. Yes, indeed my love for tennis is paying off...

When first my father tried to teach me how to play, I was too young to feel the passion for the sport, that I now feel for it. At that point of time I hardly played sports, and in fact was too lazy to take notice of them. I just assumed I was no good at sports, and went on with living my life. Later that year we started exercising, running, and playing sports on a daily basis, and I realized that I had more of a knack for it than I thought. Still I never could give tennis a chance as it wasn't taught to us in school, it requiring too many courts for the number of students in a class.

It was only in my second year of college that I could give the sport another chance. One of my good friends was getting some tennis rackets with his friends, so he decided to introduced me to this sport. Right from the first time I tried it, I fell in love. I enjoyed it more than playing basketball, and my friend and I often discussed how it was one of the most amazing sports we ever tried out. Sadly I was a slow learner, and to make matters worse I got an injury (not from tennis) because of which I had to stop playing. In the meanwhile my friend got better at it, and when I was well enough to play again, I was too far behind.

I finally decided to give up this sport I loved so much, only because I had no one to play with. The enthusiasm that my friends had about it slowly died out too. I did try to pester my friend to play again, but too much related to studies and placements were going on in our lives to really take out the time to play again. I really missed playing.

After placements, we did start playing again, and I did improve over the weeks we played. I didn't make as much progress as the other guys made, even though some of them were newer to the sport than I was. I was in that phase where I had to play for a good 20 to 25 minutes before I'd start playing properly, to get used to the racket, to get used to hitting the ball right. Sometimes that got me down, because I wanted to really learn how to play decent tennis, at least enough to play with guys.

Then it happened, the day that changed my life, well at least that part pertaining to tennis. In our annual sports fest, I had to play tennis singles and mixed doubles. I did dread the matches, considering the fact that I wasn't nearly good enough to play a competitive game. The first match I played was a mixed doubles match, in which I played so poorly that the girl on the other side started making fun of me (though she hadn't played any tennis previously, and was at least twenty times worse). The reason for my poor show was the fact that upto that point of time I needed to practice for at least fifteen to twenty minutes before I got a hang of the racket and got into the real mood to play. That day I happen to have just woken up and my partner refused to practice, being much too sleepy himself. Lucky for us, we won that match.

Later I practiced with the wall while waiting for my single's opponent to show up. Thus I got a hang of the racket, and by the time she came, I was playing much better. Now my opponent was real good, so I didn't beat her, but in that game I learned how to serve properly, and learned how to hit my shots better. This wasn't like the ususal learning I did in all my previous attempts at learning how to play, for this time it stuck. The next doubles match, I played much better, my serves went in, and I hardly missed a shot, but sadly our opponent was too good to beat. We did have a very close match though, which went onto seven games. So at least at the end of it I was satisfied with the turnout. We did win a silver medal for mixed doubles tennis. Tennis had finally accepted me back.

After that when I went to play tennis with the guys, I didn't need that first twenty minutes to warm up to my racket and get my game right, but it automatically came to me from the first ball I hit. While playing, we'd always play doubles, so on one day, I played four matches one after another (having different partners in each game) and it felt real good because I could hit some pretty good shots.

I still have a lot of scope for improvement, and I will definitely work on this game I've fallen in love with. There are two things I want to learn before I die, one is how to play tennis, and the other is how to play the guitar. At least I'm on my way to achieveing one of my dreams.

I have Committed a Crime

"You have committed a crime." he said, without realizing the hypocrisy in his accusation.

Yes, indeed I have committed a crime, if you consider freedom of thought a crime. You say I have no morality, that someday I'll pay for my sins. Who are you to decide that my beliefs , my actions, are a sin? If I really wanted, I could say the exact same to you, and my arguments would even be more valid than yours, yet still to the world I'll always be wrong. I may not be an average person like everyone around me, no I'm very different, I don't believe in going with the flow, because I know that the flow itself is where the problem lies.

Without doing anything I have become the enemy of the times, I have become that which is given as an example to children to bring fear into their hearts. They say that I am the devil in disguise, out to corrupt the minds of those around me. I am the darkness that makes the night black, the storm that destroys millions of lives, the evil in every heart. What have I done? I have done no more than to actually think.

Rationality is a gift given to few, a virtue to me, but a vice to most. I am a rational being. Is it a sin to be a rational being? Is it a sin to believe in things only after thinking them through? Is i a sin to depart from the societal norms provided I'm not physically or mentally hurting anyone? Is it really a sin only to have a belief, or in my case an absence of one?

The world is burning, this country is burning, why are we letting it? There is no valid reason for taking someone's life, but war is a massacre of thousands, even millions, and there's no law to protect these people who are burning in it. All this bloodshed for an irrational motive, maybe more than one, but each irrational in it's own way.

Yet still you expect me to believe in what you believe in and sell my principles? You still say that I'm the one at fault? You tell me that I should be ashamed of myself, that you're disappointed in me. I don't want to be a martyr, I don't want to be a saint, I only want to live my life, I want everyone to be able to live their lives because to me life is the greatest gift.

You know what I really am? I am the light that gives out warmth, I am the willpower that drives one to learn, I am the earth that nurtures, I am the water that purifies, I am the love that brings people together, I am the wind that touches every soul with life, I am the rational being. I love to play with fire, but you love to burn the world that gave us fire. I admit I have some faults, but you magnify my virtues into crimes.

Yes I am an Atheist and I don't believe in your God. To me there is no God, but there is something much better - the earth and everything in it. If you cannot handle that, then at least don't try to take it away from me, for I have the courage to handle the truth, and I'm proud of it. I have the capabilities to think, to judge true from false, to not get influenced by your irrational ways. Don't force upon me your beliefs for to me my absence of beliefs is the real virtue.

Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing bad things, but for good people to do bad things, it takes religion.
~ Steven Weinberg, Nobel Laureate in physics

Failure

Do you ever wake up thinking you're the biggest failure in life? Do you ever look back and realize how there's not one thing you can actually do that you're proud of? Do you ever wake up and think of yourself as an ugly spot on the whole of humankind? The best part, do people constantly tell you how you're a failure and not good enough for anything and anyone? Have you ever been told you can't even be called an underachiever because at least an underachiever has the potential to do well but just don't work to do well? The worst part of all this is that you had been given all the opportunities in the world to do better, but still you landed up becoming a loser.

Welcome to the cruel world.

I guess I just never saw that I was that bad in the past. I always thought I was alright. I believed I had the right ideas, that I was at least on the smarter side. I thought I was a pretty decent writer and poet, though I guess now that people have pointed out how much my stuff sucks, I can't really say that anymore. I considered myself sporty, though I guess I'm not that either as I have realized I'm no good in that. Then there's so much I just wish I had done in my life that I didn't do, and now I feel so awful for not having done them. At least if I would've done them, I could've been able to say I'm good at something, if things turned out well at least.

I guess the biggest mistake I made was thinking I was alright in the first place. So after three years it just hurts to be reminded of how most of my life was a lie, how I was always a loser and never realized it. And what do I have to say about this? I'm tired.

How I Know the World is Going to the Dogs...or Worse

A lot of things have happened lately, or I have gotten to know about, that makes me stop and wonder what is wrong with people? It's actually sad that the future of this country, heck this whole world, lies in the hands of some of the people I've come across in the last three years. (Do note that I'm not saying I'm a good person and everyone else is bad, I know what kind of a person I am, and I'm not proud of it, but at least I do have that basic sense of humanity.)

I know this girl who was very good friends with a couple of other girls, and one day she just told them that she cannot be friends with them because they don't study well enough and that she cannot just waste away her future for people like that. I never knew that grades were a criteria on the basis of which one became friends with someone, and if this is a new trend, I'm not going to be a part of it because I think it's very wrong to judge people in such a manner when making friends. It's almost like saying you're making friends to use them and nothing more. (Again I do say I'm no saint, I've had my share of prejudices against certain people, but I have realized that you should never judge anyone without getting to know them first, and I have learned from it as well.)

This is an issue I have no right to comment about, but still will, because it actually scares me sometimes. The other day I saw some guy advertising "Rape Porn Downloaded" on DC++ (college LAN). I have no issues with what guys do, it's their life, if that's what they like to do, then so be it. I just cannot swallow the fact that some guys can watch a girl get raped and not feel sympathy for the girl and disgust for the people who are doing it. The guys who watch stuff like this are the ones that will go out into the real world with good jobs, find themselves a nice girl, and settle down with her. It may not even affect their lives in any way, but if people can watch a girl get raped and enjoy it then I'm sorry but I can never think of them as good no matter how educated they are, no matter how smart they are.

Remember that story about the goose that would lay one golden egg everyday, and how the greedy man who owned the egg killed the goose and cut open its stomach thinking he'd find many golden eggs? I've seen it happen in real life, though not out of greed, maybe jealousy, maybe pure fun? I won't go into details here though for at least with respect to my class it's understood.

I made the mistake of thinking that everyone one will be as good as my friends back in school and listen to you when you're sad and really be there for you in the middle of a crisis. I made the mistake of thinking that I could do that with people here, and I got nothing in return. People don't even take the time out to listen to someone who is distressed. When I came home and I met one of my school friends, I realized how much she was there for me when I needed to just talk. She just listened to what I had to say, and that's all I wanted from people around me in college. I was seriously a fool to think everyone cares, because frankly speaking very few do.

The worst is an incident I cannot directly talk about, but I'll tell you it's a very serious incident. Fine whatever happened couldn't be avoided, but just know this much, the girl who was at the center of this incident will be haunted by it for the rest of her life. Her best friend knew about what was happening, yet still didn't tell anyone about it. When it did come out, this best friend betrayed her, while two girls who had fought with this girl a couple of years ago were the ones who stood up for her and did something about it. When they asked for help, no one got up to help, everyone just laughed about it and left. When anyone is in trouble, you're supposed to help them out, not crack jokes about it, not leave them to deal with it on their own, especially if in desperation they've even asked for help. I'm convinced that even if someone lies dying in our college, no one would get up to help them, not one soul.

People don't know how to mind their own business, they have all the time in the world to sit and gossip and say bad things about others. People have all the time to sit and notice how a girl and a guy are sitting in the canteen (best part is they are a couple), they have all the time to make up stories about how a girl and a guy who study together are committed (they're just study partners), they have all the time in the world to talk nonsense about the rest of the world (they should take a look in the mirror), but when they are supposed to mind someone else's business, they aren't around. When someone needs help then people get up and leave, the same people who would show up first in someone's room to hear the latest news. Why do people have this kind of attitude? Ask these people for advice and all they'll say is they cannot help you. Why?

It's like people do not have any humanity left in them, they have no feelings for what happens around them. You can't even trust anyone enough to cry on their shoulders because even if with great difficulty they listen today, tomorrow they'll sit and laugh at all that you said. Everyone's become so apathetic, and all for what? What was the point of getting an education if you can't even help someone in need? What was the point of working hard for four long years if you can't even give advice to a friend in need? Then one of my friends pointed out to me that it's not education that makes a person good, it's character. People who don't even know how to read may be a person a million times better than someone who has two to three degrees. By educating someone you cannot give him or her a good heart, for a heart is something that comes from within.

The world is going to the dogs? It makes me laugh because even a dog is loyal and faithful, even a dog protects. The world is going to something a lot worse...

New Developments in Everyday Life

It's a Saturday morning, and I'm in bed till nine 'o clock A.M., only to wake up feeling very lethargic and bored. I had fallen asleep early the night before, but somehow it had no effect in removing my morning laziness. Then I eat breakfast, talk or try to study, but eventually fall asleep by around twelve noon, only to wake up at around four 'o clock P.M. and find out the whole day has been wasted away and I haven't done one thing of any use...

This happened to be my usual schedule (only after getting placed), until about a week and a half ago, when I realized that I had to start doing something otherwise I'll only land up wasting my whole year away just to regret it later. Not only that, but all the free time I had only messed with my head and gave me a million negative things to think about and keep me depressed all day long, even for days at a stretch!

It started as an inspiration to once again play basketball at the IIT Kanpur sports fest, like we did back in first year (not that I actually got the chance to play, sadly). So a couple of my friends and I started making plans to talk to Verma Sir about going, and the next day we showed up at the court to practice. As was deemed to happen, we did not get permission to go, but rather than feeling dejected and giving up on the idea, we continued going every morning to practice. A few of my other friends also joined in to learn how to play.

It does not end there though, for we also felt it was high time we visited the gym on a regular basis. Sadly girl's in the past would talk to sir about going to the gym, but would only show up for a week or a few days, and then stop going. Due to this, it took a lot of convincing to get sir to give us a half an hour slot for the gym, but at least we got one, and that's what counts. It's really tiring, but it's good exercise, and I feel like I'm keeping myself fit.

Along with that, in the evenings I'm also learning how to play tennis. I never get to play long, but I can feel the difference in the way I hit shots now. I've improved a lot compared to my previous attempts at learning how to play, and it's a really good feeling. I still have a lot of scope for improvement, but when learning something new, one cannot become perfect at it overnight, right? Tennis is one sport I've always wanted to learn, for I think it defines beauty in every way. There's nothing like the feeling you get when you hit the ball with that racket, even if you didn't hit it right.

I've also started taking a little more interest in preparing for CAT, not much more, but some improvement is better than none. I am yet to get over my mental block against quantitative aptitude, and improve my speed at calculating and of thought processing.

By the end of the day, I do feel really tired, but not in that lethargic way that I used to earlier. I feel tired in a good way, the kind of feeling you get when you know you've achieved something that day, even if it's not much. Now I understand the importance of keeping oneself occupied rather than just lazying around and wasting the whole day away. At the end of it, you can't say you didn't do anything, because you know that you've achieved something, no matter how small it may be. Besides, it's really fun playing sports, exercising, and even preparing for CAT. For me, the best thing about all this is the fact that now I don't have the time to sit and get depressed over people around me, or over incidences, or over anything for that matter of fact. The best way to drown out your sorrows is to keep yourself occupied, may it be in work or in play. I guess it does leave you feeling happier, in more ways than one. :)

Friends Forever?

It's been a long time since I wrote, and my only excuse is placement fever and post-placement writer's block.

Hoping that at least this one last year would be trouble free has proved to be disastrous. Yet it doesn't bother me much, as at the end of it all, the people who I care about and who should matter to me aren't the ones I have any complains against. I know one thing for sure, that when I pass out, I'll at least know who my true friends are, and it's real good to know that. One true friend is worth more than a million fake ones. I really wish people around me would realize that as well.

College is supposed to be the best years of one's lives, and sadly I cannot say that because I have been through a lot. People say that the friends you make in college will be your friends for life, and it took me three years to realize who can become my friends for life and who cannot. Friendship is not to be taken lightly, but most people around me do take it lightly. Yet I don't blame them, for at some point in our lives, we all take friendship for granted.

I had a friend in school, and I guess after I joined college I neglected her. I never meant to, for she doesn't know it but she still means a lot to me and always will, no matter what happened between us, but somewhere something went wrong and now we don't talk anymore. Misunderstandings happen, and if not fixed at the right time, they become things you learn to regret for the rest of your lives.

What college taught me about friendship is never to take it for granted and to learn to cherish your friends for life. True friendship comes rarely and in the strangest forms, at the strangest times. If you let these friends slip away, it'll just leave an emptiness that will never go away, provided you realize your mistake. The worst part is that most people don't realize their mistakes, or realize them too late.

In the future, I'll do my best to make an effort to never take anyone for granted, because it's a really bad feeling, and I know how it feels. College life has taught me a lot...

Tragedy

There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it. -George Bernard Shaw

Do you ever get that rush when you're doing something you love to do, and you know right then that you'd gladly die without any regrets, doing what you love at that precise moment? Or if you achieve something by yourself, and know that in a way it's made you complete? They always say, life's not about what you do, but who you are, but in some way, doesn't what you do make you who you are, with all the right and wrong reasons taken into account?

It's a really scary thought, lying there on your deathbed, and having more regrets to think about than things you're proud of. I wish I had spent more time with my family, I wish I had spent more time doing what I really love to do, I wish I had been more honest, I wish I had been a better friend, I wish I hadn't messed things up, I wish I hadn't walked away, I wish I had taken the chance, I wish, I wish, I wish...but the ache never goes away.

Every time I hear about someone who chased after their dreams, like joined a band, or went on to play some sport professionally, or who gave up their life to become a writer or teacher, or fought for love, I feel really happy for them. Sure, not everyone makes it to the top, most don't even get close, but they can't lie there on their deathbed wishing they had taken the jump.

In today's world, most people care about money, and less about doing something they love to do, or even discovering what they love to do. Most people die not knowing what they love to do, and it's really sad. I guess at a practical level, it's a necessity to give up certain things in your life, playing it safe, it's a part of natural selection. It makes me sad nonetheless, because giving it up is like cutting a part of yourself and discarding it. Is living through life without that part of you really worth it?

Everyone dreams, and over time, dreams change with circumstances. As a student in high school, you aspire to be the guitarist in a famous rock band, as parent you dream of the world being a better place so you can raise your kids in peace, and as a businessman you dream of starting up a business that'll really go places. And throughout life, everyone dreams of true love, whether it may just be chemicals in the brain, or something real, no one wants to die alone. Those who get unconditional true love may be the luckiest of them all.

I say, maybe with material things, you can call it a tragedy to gain your heart's desire, but if it's much more than that, then is it really a tragedy? And so what if it is? I say, give me tragedies, for what is life without them? After all, the fact that you tried is what really counts, right? Not trying is a tragedy worse than that of success or failure.

It's Called Poverty My Friend...

When taking a walk or driving through the city, often I silently and assiduously observe my surroundings. It gives me an odd pleasure, and sometimes I see things that no one else would notice, and it makes me happy that I get the chance to experience the world around me. None of these happenings are very significant in any way, in fact they're generally small things, like a half grown pup barking as if it's the leader of the pack, or a group of small kids dancing around a water pipe, or even just the absurd manner in which a black bird with a ridiculously long tail flies. Often I wish I could always carry a camera around with me, for there are so many moments I would love to capture forever. Yet along with the things that make me happy, I also come across moments that depress me, and one of the most common things that depress me happens to be poverty.

Just the other day, we were walking to class, and as we passed by the small brick houses, if you can call them houses, of the construction workers, I saw a small boy crying, and an old man holding the boy trying to quiet him down, and somehow I could tell the boy was hungry, and it made my heart ache as I heard his wails. Long after we passed the child, I could still hear his screams of agony, and I wondered why people are allowed to live in such conditions. The conditions they live in are inhuman, and it's really sad that not much is being done (or maybe even cannot be done) to help bring up their standard of living. It still haunts me sometimes, the cry of that hungry boy, and the sad look on the old man's face.

It's really easy to ignore the poverty around us while we live in nice houses and go to college and get a chance to make our lives, but what do these kids out on the streets have? Most of them land up being no better off than their parents, and for that matter of fact, probably worse off. Many may be capable of having a better life but never get the chance to pursue it, and it's almost shameful that there's no proper manner in which to inspire them or give them a chance at a better life. I know, it's really easy to blame the government, and I also know that maybe the government cannot do much, but certain rules should be passed to bring up the standard of public schools, and grant scholarships to students below the poverty line. Every child born deserves an equal chance to make their lives.

Sometimes I see workers and old men walking on the streets, and I feel so sorry for them. Then I say to myself that I shouldn't feel sorry for them, because at least they have a job, at least they earn something, even if it's not much. There are so many people in our country who aren't even able to do that much. It was a book, The City of Joy, which made me realize that just because these people are poor doesn't mean they aren't happy, nor does it mean that they deserve pity. Yes it makes me sad when I see so much poverty around me, but I have learned not to pity them, for they are probably stronger-willed than most of us, and strong will deserves no pity.

I do hope that someday I'll be able to make a difference, even if it only affects a few lives, for saving even one life is a really big thing. I really hope that over time this disease called poverty will be lessened, and more people get the chance to have more choices to the kind of life they want.

The President is a Monkey

So the Woodchuck Gods haven’t gotten very far in their quest to take over the world, but that doesn’t mean they’re not working on it. In their clandestine underground base, much activity can be seen these days, as they prepare for the first insurrection, the first step towards their victory over mankind and other species on earth. They’ve prepared a nuclear weapons base which all of mankind is unaware of, especially American President George W. Bush, who is too busy declaring war on countries that don’t even have nuclear arms to notice this uprising among the Woodchuck Gods. Of course who can blame this intelligent President, after all, imaginary nuclear weapons is a very tempting ground for going to war with a weaker country, especially one in the Middle East.

As for religion being a popular ground for killing people and blowing things up throughout the world, the Woodchuck Gods have a solution to this problem too, though I would rather not let the contents of their plan be disclosed to the mere mortals of the world (no offence, I’m one of them too). As for racism being a ground for being unable to have the President America deserves to undo the deterioration of the last twenty years, when it comes to the Woodchuck Gods, there is no black and white, but only brown. For the last twenty years, America has been ruled by only two families, and I really don’t believe we need another four to eight years of being ruled by them. A new President is required, one who can actually do something for the country and not someone who passes racial comments and has a husband who was already a President. A new mind, some new ideas.

Frankly speaking, the Woodchuck Gods have many reforms in mind to make this world a better place, and I feel that this world really needs a revolution from the side of the more intelligent beings to make the world less chaotic. These days even a monkey can become a President or Prime Minister, and most of the masses wouldn’t even realize it. So why not let actual intelligent Woodchuck Gods take over the world so that the end of everything can be delayed by a few years if not more? There are so many issues that aren’t even given the slightest attention, or at least not enough. Very conveniently, America declared to the world that global warming is not something to worry about, even though effects of global warming are already starting to be seen. As for poverty, what’s being done about it? The poor only gets poorer, and the rich richer, so what’s the point in talking about a nation progressing, when the poor are becoming worse off than ever?

So I support the Woodchuck Gods one hundred percent in their quest to take over the world, for if a monkey can rule a nation, why can’t a Woodchuck rule the world? Anyways the Woodchuck Gods are far more superior to the mere monkeys of this world.

Professors and Music

Today in our Operating System class, our teacher was in no mood to impart technological knowledge, so instead he talked to us about how in today's world no one wants to get involved in the teaching profession. Everyone wants to work in big companies and make a lot of money, and yet they complain about how the standard of engineering institutes is degrading. It's true that there is a shortage of professors in engineering colleges, more so of properly qualified professors, and even I have often wondered where this world will land up. People these days run after the well paid professions, without realizing how important the smaller professions really are. Of course I don't say that we should drop our lives and become bus drivers, but I think everyone, no matter what profession, needs respect and appreciation for what they're doing.

Our professor pointed out that in today's world professors no longer get the respect they once got, he told us how his friends often tell him that's he's a psycho for joining the teaching profession rather than joining a software company and earning lots of money. He also pointed out how the teaching profession is one that requires the best brains in the field to actually make a difference. I guess I really felt for him, though nothing can actually be done about this problem unless people themselves become more like him and do it because they feel passionate about it.

On another note, yesterday I watched I'm Not There, a movie based on the life and music of Bob Dylan. It took Todd Haynes seven years to make this movie. Six different aspects of Dylan's personality and life were taken and forged into six different characters. I loved every minute of it, it was seriously one very good and well made movie. It was like a collage of Dylan's personality. Everyone who likes Dylan or folk music/classic rock should definitely watch it.

It took me a long time to realize how amazing classic rock really is. I listened to a lot of modern rock, and a lot of bad music at that, and only after years of thinking the stuff I listen to is good music, did I realize the significance and greatness of classic rock. I'm glad I wasted away that many years listening to stuff you can't even compare to the old stuff, because it made me realize the real greatness in the old musicians. I really don't want to imagine the future of rock 'n roll.

I think I haven't evolved in the wrong direction after all, up to a certain extent that is. I'm still sane and that's a comforting thought, for after living here for two and a half years, I was seriously beginning to think I'm losing my mind. Somewhere in my heart I'm still me, and more than ever I think I want to live again. Somewhere along the way I got lost, and I forgot about some of my ideals only to fill the void in my life, and now I'm beginning to realize that to fill the void I never had to lose myself, I never had to give up my ideals. There's really no point in trying too hard, for it's almost as good as not trying at all, or actually even worse, and it took me about a year to realize that. So now, I'm going to go back to being me, the me before I lost my way, the me who is still sane. I'm still sane.

A Short Temper

Often I feel very inadequate, for over the last few months I have come to realize that I'm not as good as I thought, may it be on the basis of intelligence, or on the basis of a good human being. Most of my life I had been one of the more intelligent people in my class, at least I always thought so. Even when I wasn't doing well enough, I still considered myself better than most people for there were those strengths I thought I had which would always be the saving point in my life. Finally after seeing how precisely those strengths that I took for granted let me down, I came to realize that maybe I was never good enough after all.

As a person, I did consider myself a more white than black person at heart, but now when I think about it, maybe I haven't been a good person either. There are many things I've done in the past that shouldn't have been done, many thing's I've said that need not have been said. To this day I still remember the bad things I did in elementary school or middle school and feel bad about it. I've always had a temper, but I never showed it to anyone until they really badly hurt me (which did happen back in elementary and middle school). Lately, I've lost control over it, and I no longer know how to deal with how angry or sad I feel. I land up passing really mean, rude, and sarcastic comments, and land up doing crazy things. Very recently I did something that I never should have done, and I seriously believe that maybe I deserve that no one should talk to me ever again.

The problem with my temper now is that I land up showering it on people who aren't even supposed to know I have a temper. I never mean the things I say, I would never have even thought about them before saying them, but suddenly out of nowhere a thought hits me and it comes flying out of my mouth. I forget all sense of rationality, I forget all sense of the fact that my words hurt a lot, and after I do it, I feel so bad that I wish I could kill myself for being so mean. Very recently I hurt some people, and I'm afraid that maybe this time I went too far, for I had no business doing what I did. I didn't intend to hurt anybody, but it just happened when I was angry, and afterwards I felt so bad. I'm a really bad person.

I want to apologize to anyone and everyone whom I've hurt, may it be a small matter or a big one. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean any of it, I swear I didn't. I know I should do something about my temper and I'm trying, and I thought I was getting better until I went and committed one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

And my biggest apology goes to the one person who has to put up with me most of the time, and I know it's really difficult every time, for even I feel that maybe I'm not good enough after all, may you judge me on the basis of intelligence or as a person. I'm really sorry, and I never mean the nasty things I say or do, but you have to be at the receiving end every time, and I know I'm real difficult to put up with.

Footprints

I've wandered in the past many a time, looking for answers, looking for questions for answers, but no matter how much I wandered I never could find what I seeked, I never could find what my heart longed for. I've never known what it is that I crave for, nor have I tried to find out. I know of no such name for it, nor do I know of a feeling which feels like it. All I know is that it exists, form or formless, I cannot say, but it exists. I can feel it's presence running through my very veins, I can feel it's song in my very soul. I searched my past, but all it left in me was pain and longing, all it left was this lingering scent of a certain innocent happiness, happiness I haven't dwelt in for a long time.

I hitched a ride to the future, at least what I can make of the future I want to have or seem likely to have. There I wandered long in a pseudo-happiness which I believed to be real. It felt like I had drunk wine and was lost in a hallucination where all that existed was me and all the happiness in the world at my service. Light-headed and seemingly in love with the future, I thought I was close to finding that which I cannot grasp, I thought my search was coming to an end, I thought I had found my true destiny. Alas, all must awaken from their hallucinations and see the real world around them, stark naked and shivering. As the fantasy world dissolved, so did my sense of reality and optimism, and hatred poured in.

It was unfair, I thought, that the world was doing this to me. All I wanted was some peace of mind, and I knew I could not have any until I found that which I had never felt, until I found that which I couldn't even find a name for. It was supposed to be a beautiful feeling, at least that's how I imagined it to be, though it must be more beautiful than beautiful feelings are supposed to be, for it wasn't even something money could buy.

Then one day while wandering in my sadness, in my desperate state of being, I watched the sunset as an ocean wave rolled over the footprints my feet had made in the wet sand. It didn't disappear completely, but left an impression behind in the sand. It stayed like that until the fourth wave rolled over it, and then it finally disappeared forever. I don't understand what it is that I wanted, maybe I never did, maybe I never would, but at that precise moment I realized that if I didn't stop searching and start living soon, then I would fade away just like my footprints did and only when it's too late would I realize that I was fading away. Automatically I found that which I had been looking for all my life, happiness.