A Short Temper

Often I feel very inadequate, for over the last few months I have come to realize that I'm not as good as I thought, may it be on the basis of intelligence, or on the basis of a good human being. Most of my life I had been one of the more intelligent people in my class, at least I always thought so. Even when I wasn't doing well enough, I still considered myself better than most people for there were those strengths I thought I had which would always be the saving point in my life. Finally after seeing how precisely those strengths that I took for granted let me down, I came to realize that maybe I was never good enough after all.

As a person, I did consider myself a more white than black person at heart, but now when I think about it, maybe I haven't been a good person either. There are many things I've done in the past that shouldn't have been done, many thing's I've said that need not have been said. To this day I still remember the bad things I did in elementary school or middle school and feel bad about it. I've always had a temper, but I never showed it to anyone until they really badly hurt me (which did happen back in elementary and middle school). Lately, I've lost control over it, and I no longer know how to deal with how angry or sad I feel. I land up passing really mean, rude, and sarcastic comments, and land up doing crazy things. Very recently I did something that I never should have done, and I seriously believe that maybe I deserve that no one should talk to me ever again.

The problem with my temper now is that I land up showering it on people who aren't even supposed to know I have a temper. I never mean the things I say, I would never have even thought about them before saying them, but suddenly out of nowhere a thought hits me and it comes flying out of my mouth. I forget all sense of rationality, I forget all sense of the fact that my words hurt a lot, and after I do it, I feel so bad that I wish I could kill myself for being so mean. Very recently I hurt some people, and I'm afraid that maybe this time I went too far, for I had no business doing what I did. I didn't intend to hurt anybody, but it just happened when I was angry, and afterwards I felt so bad. I'm a really bad person.

I want to apologize to anyone and everyone whom I've hurt, may it be a small matter or a big one. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean any of it, I swear I didn't. I know I should do something about my temper and I'm trying, and I thought I was getting better until I went and committed one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

And my biggest apology goes to the one person who has to put up with me most of the time, and I know it's really difficult every time, for even I feel that maybe I'm not good enough after all, may you judge me on the basis of intelligence or as a person. I'm really sorry, and I never mean the nasty things I say or do, but you have to be at the receiving end every time, and I know I'm real difficult to put up with.

Footprints

I've wandered in the past many a time, looking for answers, looking for questions for answers, but no matter how much I wandered I never could find what I seeked, I never could find what my heart longed for. I've never known what it is that I crave for, nor have I tried to find out. I know of no such name for it, nor do I know of a feeling which feels like it. All I know is that it exists, form or formless, I cannot say, but it exists. I can feel it's presence running through my very veins, I can feel it's song in my very soul. I searched my past, but all it left in me was pain and longing, all it left was this lingering scent of a certain innocent happiness, happiness I haven't dwelt in for a long time.

I hitched a ride to the future, at least what I can make of the future I want to have or seem likely to have. There I wandered long in a pseudo-happiness which I believed to be real. It felt like I had drunk wine and was lost in a hallucination where all that existed was me and all the happiness in the world at my service. Light-headed and seemingly in love with the future, I thought I was close to finding that which I cannot grasp, I thought my search was coming to an end, I thought I had found my true destiny. Alas, all must awaken from their hallucinations and see the real world around them, stark naked and shivering. As the fantasy world dissolved, so did my sense of reality and optimism, and hatred poured in.

It was unfair, I thought, that the world was doing this to me. All I wanted was some peace of mind, and I knew I could not have any until I found that which I had never felt, until I found that which I couldn't even find a name for. It was supposed to be a beautiful feeling, at least that's how I imagined it to be, though it must be more beautiful than beautiful feelings are supposed to be, for it wasn't even something money could buy.

Then one day while wandering in my sadness, in my desperate state of being, I watched the sunset as an ocean wave rolled over the footprints my feet had made in the wet sand. It didn't disappear completely, but left an impression behind in the sand. It stayed like that until the fourth wave rolled over it, and then it finally disappeared forever. I don't understand what it is that I wanted, maybe I never did, maybe I never would, but at that precise moment I realized that if I didn't stop searching and start living soon, then I would fade away just like my footprints did and only when it's too late would I realize that I was fading away. Automatically I found that which I had been looking for all my life, happiness.